In a unanimous 12–0 vote that shocked absolutely no one, the FDA announced today that the long-awaited Nicolas Cage Emotional Support Action Figure has been officially approved for nationwide distribution, citing “widespread instability, cultural collapse, and the fact that 2025 has already been six years long.”
The decision comes after a year-long clinical trial conducted across multiple demographics, including corporate employees, suburban parents, delusional fans, junior copywriters, former theater kids, and anyone who has ever screamed “PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX” at 2 AM.
Researchers claim the Cage figure produced dramatic emotional improvements, with participants reporting:
- 63 percent less existential dread
- 91 percent lower urge to throw their laptop into a ravine
- A sudden, unexplained desire to steal the Declaration of Independence
- Temporary relief from LinkedIn thought leaders
According to the FDA, the action figure comes equipped with a fully articulated spine, adjustable eyebrow settings, and over 72 pre-programmed Cage-isms, including but not limited to:
- “I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.”
- “Put the bunny back in the box.”
- “Not the bees!”
- A soothing whisper mode clinically proven to calm adults after three Zoom calls.
A spokesperson for the agency says the product was fast-tracked under the National Emotional Emergency Act, a new policy created once it became clear that Americans were one breaking news alert away from collectively walking into the sea.
The Four Standardized Models Include:
- National Treasure Cage – For high-functioning anxiety and PTO requests.
- Face/Off Cage – For when you want to rip your face off and become someone who doesn’t care about quarterly KPIs.
- Con Air Cage – For travel anxiety and families on road trips.
- Gone in 60 Seconds Cage – For people who love Irish goodbyes.
Medical experts say the figures can be used in a variety of settings, such as:
- Clutching it when someone says they love Microsoft Teams, Slack forever baby!
- Biting it slightly when someone says “let’s circle back” for the 14th time today.
- Hugging it silently after your boss schedules a meeting titled “quick sync” at 4:59 PM on Friday.
- Staring directly into its plastic eyes while you mentally prepare to open your bank app.
Early reports claim that several major corporations are already integrating the figure into their wellness programs. Google will reportedly issue “Cage on a Lanyard” to all employees starting Q3, while Meta is rumored to be developing a VR version where users can meditate inside Nicolas Cage’s brain.
Not everyone is thrilled. The American Association of Overly Serious People filed a formal complaint, calling the product “unnecessary and irrational.” Their statement was promptly ignored, as they haven’t laughed since 1983.
FDA officials are urging the public not to panic-buy the action figure in bulk, although analysts predict the Cage doll will sell out instantly and reappear on eBay for $1,700, listed as “RARE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MAN, MINT CONDITION.”
Pre-orders open nationwide at midnight.
Also this is totally false, sorry for getting your hopes up.
P.S. If you’re Nicolas Cage or his agent’s, please call me. I have the script ready for Con Air 2.
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